Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
