I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
