Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
