Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
