Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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