So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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