I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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