she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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