Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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