hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
