Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
