We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
