I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
