Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
