She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize