i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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