Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
