see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wanna passion pit in your ass
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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