When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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