Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it was like eating out sand paper
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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