Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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