There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
