am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
