and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
