I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
