I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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