So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
What drink are we having for lunch?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
