i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize