Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just had sex bonerless
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
