# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
