someone get that fucking seahorse.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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