he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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