I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
