I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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