This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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