I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
