If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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