the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
