Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
