remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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