So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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