never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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