Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
