This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
