What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
