A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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