Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm determined to sit on that face.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
