Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
