two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Who died my cat blue again?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
