I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
