My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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