Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
