Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
