I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
