I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
