I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
