I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
And then he peed in my hair
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