I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
